It’s also strange that, looking back upon my choice in universities, my decision to go so far out of state has almost prepared me for this.  If I’d stayed in Texas and gone to a school in state, how strange would it have been to go to a new home, Portland, during the holidays?  Is it better or worse that I go to college in Ohio and have, in a way, already removed myself?

Part of me rejoices, is excited with the move.  Another part of me is upset, a little bit torn.  I’ll have nothing left that’s comfortable, nothing I can rely upon again.  I will be leaving one fairly new place and going to another that I’ve never seen before.  How can I relax with life, how can I adjust?  Do I want to adjust?  Have I already adjusted in a way?

Maybe I’m just sick of going through this whole process.  But then again, maybe I’m also a little bit excited, waiting in anticipation for the next new experience.  I’m doing things some people dream of.

But who can I relate to, really?  How can I relate to them?  The answer is that I can’t, and I don’t know how.

My childhood wasn’t normal.  I’ve moved, uprooted myself and planted myself back down again, so many times it’s become almost routine.

It’s exhilarating, the challenge of remaking and reinstating yourself in every place you move to.

But sometimes, I just get so tired.

I have to say that I’ve accomplished it pretty well.

I’ve met some people that have changed my life, frustrated me to no end, loved me like a sibling, and forgotten my face after freshman year.  I’ve realized what a true friendship should be like, and learned to let go of old friendships that never really mattered in the first place.  I’ve learned people will always let you down – it’s human nature – but if they matter, they will always try their best to make up for it.

I’ve learned what it’s like to think you’re in love with someone, and how truly loving someone is never as full of butterflies as everyone thinks.

I’ve learned what it’s like to be never understood, and to have people love you anyway.

From hating everything in my life freshman year to loving everything in it senior year, I’ve come full circle.  There are people who walked with me every step of the way without ever being next to me, and others who thought they did, but didn’t.  There are those who learned to love me even though I was full of hate, and those who ended up hating me because I was full of love. 

Highschool was a contradiction, a blessing, and a turning point.

So I thank God every day for the things He gave me through it all: new friends, an improved me, a stronger bond with family, and a thirst to give and share with others the joy and happiness that I have inside of me. 

So now it’s time to begin a new life - at the end of an old one.

That’s why I try to keep at bay

Be a hundred percent when I’m with you

And then a perfect heart’s length away

The stickler is you’ve played not one beat wrong

You never promised me anything

Even sat me down, warned me just how they fall

I knew the odds were I’d never win, yet here I am

It’s a half life with you as my quarter back

It’s a daft life

My self-worth measured in text back tempo

It’s been two days eight minutes too slow

Well, there may be others but I still like to pretend

That I’m the one you really want to grow old with

I’ve got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet

You’re so much to everyone all the time

Will it ever slow down?  Will I ever come first?

The universe contracts to sigh

It’s a half life with you as my quarterback

It’s a daft life

You know you’ll never be lonely, no you’ll always be loved

And maybe you’ll never need more than that

But for the surplus that loves, what’s to become of us?

Does it even register on your conscience?

Long for one last showdown from a box in a crowd

Air compressed tight to explode

I’m clenching my ticket to the only way out

As you disappear in a puff of smoke

It’s a half life with you as my quarterback

A daft life

Inferior insane

They’ll break every rule, make us their tool

Corrupt us, make us vain

Ahead of your time, you poked out your eye

Then rose to fame

As blind as a bat, unaware of the fact

You’re just a pawn in their game

I’m over here on the right  →

Ready to fight

No gnashing of teeth for me

I’ve gone for far too long letting things slide by me, not noticing.  I’ve strayed into a state of passive awareness, watching the world float around me as though a movie were playing.  Slowly.  Monotonously.

It’s time for me to wake up and embrace the freshness and fullness that life has to offer.

I’m tired of being in the dark.  I’m going to leave everything behind and start new.  All the old memories, all the feelings, are gone.  A new page has been turned, and I’m writing the tale of the life I want to live. 

I’m sick of being pessimistic, of holding onto the wrongs I feel others have done me.  It’s time to let go, let everything go.  Why wait around when you can seize the reins of your own life and govern yourself?

This is going to be the new me.  I’m going to become a better person, because I have the power within me to do so.  This life is too short to waste being negative, so I intend to have as much fun as I can while making a difference in my life, as well as the lives of others.  It’s time for me to be the best friend, sister, and daughter I can be.  I have it within me to do so.

Spring is coming, and with it, a new hope.  Life is going by fast, and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds.

We’re so close, I can almost taste the tension – even if we haven’t spoken in a couple months, I’m standing right there on the edge.

I was always on the brink.  With you.

I was always an open book.  With you.

You could have had me instead of her.  We could have had eachother.

Now we never will.

I’m perfectly  fine with being the girl that got away.

Are you?

I couldn’t feel it at first; it was just a tiny goosebump or two on my bare arms, that tingle of sensation in my feet that meant partial numbness.  I welcomed the warm gaze of home as I basked on the couch, wrapped tightly in a blanket.  It was almost like it wasn’t there at all.

That night as I lay in bed heaped under the covers, my eyes owl-like as I gazed out the window, I could feel it in my toes.  Icy hands twisted their fingers between my them, drumming and pumping over the skin despite my pink fuzzy socks. 

It was an awkward sensation.  Displeasing.  It took up the the whole of my attention, and I couldn’t sleep.

The next day it had traveled a little farther up, and I decided to take a long evening soak in the bathtub to see if it would ward the chill away.  I even added bubbles, just for the hell of it.  Sure enough, that night was full of peace.  It was just me and my sweet dreams, drifting down a current towards a land where anything and everything was possible.

That morning, the chill was back.  And now it was twisting its terrible claws around my heart.

My gaze was turned inwards the rest of the week.  The chill was cold, ruthless, agonizing, and so was I.  I trembled under its hold, and not even the warmest bath could keep it away.  The days were cold, the nights colder.  I was as unfeeling as the brick wall outside my window, the one I stared at every night that helped force sleep to come. 

Then, one day, as I walked out from the inside, the chill left.  It was cold, and rainy, and cloudy, the sky the most perfect milky opaque.  The weather outside had shifted, and it now matched the chill in my body.  They were one and the same.  The chill seemed to dissipate.

I still can’t tell if it will come back or not.

But for now, I think it’s safe to say a warm bath will work.

You don’t know me. 

What am I to you, simply someone who charges the mood and diffuses anxiety?  A brainless loudmouth who has her moments?  The artist, the bookworm, someone quiet sitting in the classroom of your mind?  Or perhaps an angel singing during a heavenly chorus, the very picture of faith, sincerity, love? 

I live to make others happy.  I focus so much on making others happy.  I ignore what happens to make me happy.  I banish my happiness. 

And you don’t know me.  No matter how much you think you do, you don’t.  I know it, and it simultaneously kills me and elevates me.  What a blessing and curse.

What freedom.  What individuality.  No inhibitions, just the knowledge that you are completely yourself, and nobody else can unravel you.

It deadens you inside.  

Because the further I get from the things that I care about, the less I care about how much further away I get.